A Stressful World

Do you experience stress? How do you manage it?

In a modern world, every day we are confronted with stressful situations. From the moment our alarm goes off to wake us up in the morning and throughout the day until we go to bed at night we encounter numerous stress promoting activities. Things like getting into the car to drive or leaving to catching a bus on time, travelling in busy traffic, getting kids to school, getting into work on time, our daily work schedule, meetings, opening our post, emails and telephone calls, looking after the kids, making an important phone call, driving home after a busy day. The list is unexhaustable These are all bricks that build up a wall of stress which we mostly work through without any difficulty. Somewhere in that wall though there is a point where the stress we have assists us positively.  An optimum stress level is like a pacing drum that has picked up speed and increases our brain activity so that it produces chemicals in our body that energizes us into action, like a well-oiled engine. It is healthy to have some stress, as it stretches us and motivates us into moving our lives forward. 

How We Cope With Stress

So what happens when stress gets too much? When we are not dealing with the bricks in our wall very well? If we allow our stress to get too much it starts to affect us in many ways and our wellbeing deteriorates, so we start to unconsciously to manage it through coping mechanisms.  These coping mechanisms also known as Coping Strategies are created or adopted by us to reduce our stress and can be initially very effective. Some minor coping strategies will regularly keep the stress at a manageable level. For some, however, the stress rises to such an extent that it creates acute emotional distress, and stress management by the subconscious is intensified by using multiple coping strategies to prevent a meltdown/breakdown.  It goes into overdrive.

Coping Strategies are behaviours/actions that we use in response to stressful situations. Normally there is a benefit to the behaviour, as it allows us to feel that we are in control of the situation, but over used, it can become detrimental to us, no longer providing the benefit they initially were created to do.  In that sense they often become part of the problem, become a habitual, or even replace the original problem by becoming the main problem.  Consider a well-known and common stress reduction tool such as drinking or smoking.  Initially these strategies bring benefits such as relaxation, wellbeing, social connection and enjoyment and most often used as an occasional social tool.  Over used as a coping strategy they can bring us anxiety, ill health, exclusion, adverse behaviour or self-harm and even exclude us socially.

Created And Adopted Behaviour

Coping strategies can be subconsciously created by ourselves, or adopted through strategies learnt through our parents and close influencers.  From early childhood we are observing our parents manage their own lives and through living their stress.  There can be even an ancestral path of coping strategies where members of families have passed down strategies through the family tree.  How often have you known an alcoholic who has parents or other close family who also drank excessively?  The whole family spending time at the end of their working day in the pub, making it a family occasion full of good feeling and connection. Sometime coping strategies passed down via our parents are adopted by us because we see it is successful for them and we acquire it as a learnt behaviour. One small well known British habit, of “drinking tea” introduced by a stressed mother to her children when she is upset, or managing a stressed child, offering it as comfort, or even before a stressful situation has taken place.  Drinking tea, as a coping strategy is not necessarily going to really kill anyone, apart from perhaps introducing the stimulant caffeine and caffeine addiction.  Add to this situation eating cake or biscuits…and a new habit of comfort eating is created.

Even being positive and an optimistic can become a coping strategy where individuals are always attempting to view the positive side of life as a way to manage stress.  There is nothing wrong about being positive, but often those who constantly attempt to be positive due to a spiritual belief or just an innate “positive” belief can end up rationalising their thinking and not accepting and avoiding their own true emotions in the aim of only appreciating the blessings of life or being grateful for what they have.  

Potential Coping Strategies

What do you do when you are stressed?  How successful are you with your stress management?

Some recognisable coping strategies are below, but the list is not in-exhaustive. (Note: the names given are just names provided to assist recognition of behaviour).

·                 The Avoider – Avoidance behaviour and denial “head in the sand” thinking. Pretending that there is no problem or that it will go away without action. Forgetfulness, self-suggestion about lack of capability or lack of responsibility can be active.  “Its not me, but them” blame attitude and victimised behaviour. Anxiety, Panic Attacks, depression.

·                 The Joker – Always appearing happy and laughing things off.  Face saving behaviour, internalisation, non-recognition of own feelings. Minimisation of the problem and keeping up appearances.  Can often not receive offers of help because of the façade that people see everything is happy and no problem existing.

·                 The Optimist –Continuous self-suggestion “I must be grateful and count my blessings/I must value others/I must always see the positive side of things”.  Non acceptance and avoidance of true feelings through always ignoring the difficulty in favour of the positive. Rationalising, underlying anxiety/fear of negative thinking.

·                 The Loner – Removes self and disconnects from situation and people. Self isolates/social exclusion, avoidance/internalisation and withdrawal.  Potentially leading to mental health, depression and behavioural issues.

·                 The Controller/The Parent/The Compulsive – Obsessive management of self and others, and the need to be in control in any potential stressful situation. Can act parental to others, can have compulsive behaviour requiring certainty that actions are carried out and going back and checking  (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) often leading to anxiety, frustration and anger when feeling out of control– compulsive behaviour, relationship issues, internal conflict, depression, social exclusion.

·                 The Perfectionist – Must always do and behave correctly at all times and holds high expectations and standards. Can be critical of others, but mostly critical internally of one self, self-blame.  Strong sense of what is right and wrong, high level of achievement, fear of failure – can lead to anxiety, relationship difficulties and depression.

·                 The Shopper –  Shops and buys items to comfort self and starts often with “going for a little retail therapy” for occasional joy and fun. This can lead to excessive buying and over spending of money on items not really needed and acquiring financial debt.  Anxiety/panic attacks/depression.

·                 The Drinker/Recreational drug taker – Substance abuse with alcohol or drugs, often starting as a social tool and utilising it as  “a few drinks/drugs to relax”,  leading to binge drinking and or continuous drinking/drug habit in social and outside social activity.  Behavioural issues, health issues.  Avoidance and denial of problem. Domestic violence and abuse.

·                 The Foody – Management of eating to comforting self or control self or as avoidance.  Can start in early childhood as adopted behaviour. YoY o dieting. Can leading to binge eating weight gain or weight loss (anorexia) and weight associated illnesses, behavioural/relationship issues. Self-image, Self-dislike, Self-abuse. Guilt, Anxiety, Depression.

·                 The Smoker – Stress management/comforting self– leading to increased and habitual addictive smoking and potential smokers related illnesses

·                 The Self-harmer/Negligent – Inflicts pain on self through self-injury or through a lack of care of oneself in appearance or actions.  They can consciously self-harm through injury or substances to release pain or have a lack of care that borders pure negligence, increasing risk of harm to selves and/or inadvertently a risk to others.  Self-harming, don’t care attitude, adrenaline junky behaviour, anxiety masked by a lack of care/carelessness, ignoring risk. Adoption of other risky behaviours, sexually risky behaviour, prostitution, substance abuse, violent and provocative behaviour, Starvation/over eating.

·                 The Hypochondriac – Concentration on health issues and utilising health as a way of comfort and drawing attention to own distress to gain others cooperation.  Always demonstrating illness, or concern over a potential illness to others and self (or others), specifically when stressed.    Can lead to relationship and behaviour issues, anxiety/depression, and risk of potential real illness through self-suggestion.

·                 The Fantasist – Converting situations as to what they see in their head, and adding their own imagined version to the point that they will believe what they say is true.  Wanting to appear important and people to like them. Adding slight embellishment to situations at first and when they receive a positive result and boost to their confidence, they can build a whole web of belief that is not real.  Dislike and non-acceptance of self, avoidance of truth, leading to relationships difficulties and damage to social and self-image, anxiety, depression.

Most mild coping strategies are involving different types of avoidance, and the above are some examples of very minor strategies to their potential extreme versions. 

Do you do any of the above, even in their minor form?

Who Suffers From Stress

Everyone suffers from some form of stress in their lives.  It is true that every individual copes with life and their own perception of it drives them to manage it in different ways, and so almost everyone will have some minor coping strategies.  Any strategy that is successful will be used again and again often without the individual seeing themselves to be on a potential slippery slope to behavioural/health issues and, not everyone is, not at first.  We do live in a stressful environment and stress is still one of the largest threat to health that causes anxiety and depression and time off work, and so the potential is there for anyone.  It is true that the mind will hide many things from a person who is in emotional distress or fear as the mind is a powerful continuous programme which protects us from any safety/survival/stress risk issues. Its prime reason is to keep us safe and surviving and is, in effect, only doing what it is programmed to do. It will merrily perform the protection programme the moment it sees a threat to our wellbeing, even if it is a perceived one and not necessarily a genuine threat. That is because our subconscious records events, and all of its associating emotional feelings and physical reactions along with it that declare it as a stressful event, and the subconscious only has the ability to check in its memory, not to decide what is actually real.

Healthy Stress Management

Self-recognition and self-awareness is always the key to recognising how we manage our own everyday stress. It is important to note that anything you do to manage stress has the potential to turn into a habitual stress management tool which stops being of benefit or becomes detrimental to you.   Any good habit can become a bad habit. Identifying why you are stressed and what is your fundamental stress triggers are important to keep your management of your stress positive and meltdown free.

So what do you do when you are stressed?  What coping strategies do you think you have?  Are you struggling with your stress management?

Remember it is ok to have some stress – but it is important to recognise when it is becoming too much.

Coaching as a tool to Manage Stress

If you recognise that you may have several coping strategies that you carry out now, these may be the symptoms of stress and a potentially underling situation which is pushing you into emotional distress.  Recognising the cause, and addressing that, is a far more healthier way of consciously managing your stress, than allowing every day enjoyment become coping behaviour that may become detrimental to you.  Coaching can assist you to address the route of your stress, and coping strategies you deploy and assist you to develop new tools in managing any stress you have.

So What Is Critical For You To Resolve Right Now?

If you would like to understand more about coaching or how I could assist you further, do feel free to contact me. Jan Godfrey on 07795511494